He assumed I had a husband and children in
America. He didn’t believe me when I
told him I’m not married and don’t have any children. It needed to be repeated about 4 times before
it sank in.
Then
he became concerned. It’s not good to be 26 and not have
childrens. You need to make childrens
because this is not fine. He insisted.
30 is too old to have your first
child. Who will take care of you when you are old, you know, 55? Here there
are no retirement benefits and life expectancy is shorter. People age faster and die younger due to poor
health conditions including malaria, malnutrition, AIDS, poor sanitation, you
name it.
Suddenly he invited me to spend the weekend
with him in the middle of nowhere (which I declined)…and then last week he sent
me a text message confessing his love for me.
This is a continuation of the last blog (Polygamy and
Mozambican ideas of marriage)…from a different perspective. It is also a common question, so I’ve decided
to address it.
So yes, I can
marry a Mozambican but the longer I am in Mozambique the more certain I become
that I do not want to marry a
Mozambican. For the record, nor is there
anyone else of a different nationality in the picture.
Here are some major cultural differences why I do not want
to marry a Mozambican:
1.
Ask any American man about marriage and he would tell you it is a legal agreement (among other things). If I were to elope in Vegas it would be a
legally binding decision even if I decided later that I no longer wanted to be
married. There’s an understood legality
and formality about marriage in the States that frankly isn't part of what most
people call marriage in Vilanculos. In
fact, I know of only one Mozambican couple that has been formally, legally married,
and they own the house where I’m staying.
When I’ve asked why people don’t get
married legally the answer sounds like a prenuptial agreement: it makes life
easier if the marriage falls apart so you don’t have to worry about money and
expenses to separate…you just do it. When talking about this, there seems to be
an overall lack of trust. People also
say formally marrying is an expensive and difficult process.
I think the bottom line is not legally
marrying is not culturally important. Nor is it really necessary, either. Girls don’t dream about weddings; probably because
they don’t see weddings. Their parents
and grandparents and great-grandparents didn’t legally and formally marry so
why should they?
To
get married I think you live together and call yourselves married. Pregnancy seems to motivate many to marry
although I do know of a young married couple without children. I have also wondered about more traditional
African marriage arrangements like a bride price: you
need to give me 3 pigs for my daughter’s hand in marriage but no one has mentioned anything like that.
For me it’s an interesting topic because
people here are living in a rapidly developing place. Developing as in,
building new houses and buildings, getting more educated and having access to
things like electricity, running water, paved roads, and other things which
their forefathers never had but Westerners typically take for granted. But along with the physical development comes
more and more Western ideas about life and some are easily and quickly adopted
and others aren’t. Just because it’s a Western ideal
doesn’t necessarily mean it is better than the African way. That’s
something I must constantly be aware of; it’s much harder to love people if you
judge them by cultural differences.
Like I would hate to see the communal aspect of African society be
replaced by individualistic Western ideals.
But with marriage I am in favor of a public and legal union, as it lines
up with the Biblical ideas of marriage and it protects women and children. And when considering a life-long commitment to
someone having a similar cultural background is important.
When I visited Beira (a large city) I asked
about marriage there and my Mozambican friend was shocked to hear how most
people in Vilanculos are not legally married because in Beira marriages are
usually legal and formal. He has a
brother who is saving money to legally marry the mother of his child. When I was in the capital city of Maputo, I
went to the beach and walked on a pier there.
I turned around and saw a married couple, wedding dress and all, with a
photographer walking toward the end of the pier. That day I saw 7 just married couples who
came to take pictures on the pier. So
clearly in large cities people are formally married but its just not the case
in Vilanculos.
2.
“Bringing home the bacon”. In Western society, even though women are
encouraged to work, traditionally, the primary responsibility for providing for
the needs of a family falls on the man.
There’s a strong push for men to work to provide for their family. I think one of the best things about America
is the work ethic- individuals are expected to work hard to advance—you
don’t climb the corporate ladder by sleeping half the day. Here if you work hard and do well in your job
there isn't that same hope or promise of advancing or even keeping your job
like in the States. I know the current
economy in the States isn't great, but it’s substantially better than
here. Sure there are some hard workers
here, but it is definitely not rewarded or promoted like is in the States and
the whole mentality about work is very different. The States is also very goal-oriented. Time is money. Here time is relative and money is rare.
Several men don’t seem to be motivated to work and lack goals in their
jobs. Sure, some work hard as a
means of serving/providing for their families but that’s not a cultural value,
like it is in America. I know of men
blowing one month’s wages on booze…they’ll be completely drunk for about 4
days. There’s not a sense of getting new
clothes (without holes) for the kids or eating chicken instead of beans. It’s
the single moms who are motivated to provide for their families and are the
hardest workers I know. I think
it’s more about self advancement for the men.
I just don’t see any self-sacrificing on behalf of the men. As a general rule I don’t see hard working
men who are motivated to serve their families…and I that is a characteristic I
would like. Additionally, it’s quite
rare to find people with good money management. This might sound harsh and so I want to
re-iterate that not everyone is this way…it might just be half of the
population. In fact I think people
living in town are typically more motivated to work and may have better money
management. But the farther away from
town you get, the bigger this problem is. This became particularly evident when
talking with farmers who brought employment to areas that previously had no
income.
3.
For me the
biggest reason why I wouldn't marry a Mozambican is because women are not
considered to be as important as men; they are clearly inferior. You can go to any household and see
this. The women are constantly serving
the men. Its not just a matter of
serving men in the household, its something that affects every facet of
life. Even in how they sit, women will
sit on the ground either on estera
(mat) or on the sand and men sit in chairs or other objects (like a stump) that
elevate them so aren't sitting on the ground with the women. There’s a very clear hierarchy and men
dominate.
Leading women’s bible studies I find it
very interesting that it is the men who will interpret from Portuguese to
Xitswa. Women will refuse to interpret
it if a man is present even if she is a better interpreter. Women typically lack the confidence and courage,
and even if they don’t, it is only appropriate for them to let the man
interpret.
4.
Education.
Guess how many women I know that have finished
high school. One. Yes, one.
When you have a baby at 16, you typically drop out of school, and you
may or may not return to school the following year. Or many don’t have the money to buy uniforms,
books and school fees.
But even finding men who have finished high
school is less common than you’d think. One
of the biggest differences between the general public in America and here in
Vilanculos is education level. Pastor Jaco’s daughter Maggie goes to
Mozambican school. There are about 50
students in her class but only 25 will usually show up for school. One of the reasons there is a lack of
education is that people don’t see the value in it. On the other hand, almost everyone finishes
high school or gets a GED in America.
Many go on to college and learn some more.
I was recently talking with a Peace Corps
volunteer who teaches in a nearby smaller town.
He was saying that he can’t be very hard on his students for copying
each other’s homework because they’re doing what they know and what they’ve
been taught. Here people are not taught
to think independently or critically, instead they regurgitate the information
they’ve been given because that is what they know and is typically
expected. Reading comprehension is quite
poor as well. With Bible Studies, at
this stage, there is no independent thinking or even questions in general…I’m
spoon feeding people.
Coming from a society in which education is
valued and expected, that is definitely a quality I want in a husband. I simply could not marry someone I can’t
have an intellectual conversation with.
I took a quiz that said I’m attracted to someone’s mind more than
appearance or whatever else and I know that’s true. To think and play with ideas and be
challenged is something important to me.
And there aren’t very many Mozambicans with whom I’ve had these kinds of
conversations.
5.
I’d rather marry an American because I think
he’d like me for me rather than for novelty, beauty, or status. I get so much male attention and it’s
actually quite common for a Mozambican to flippantly tell me I’m
beautiful/suggest I marry him/ confess his love for me. I think its because they've never talked with
a pair of blues eyes and I’m willing to talk to them and treat them like a
decent human being…at which point they become too excited or something.
I recently decided not to answer the question
if I’m married because once men find out that I am single it seems to expedite
the aforementioned comments (assuming they haven’t already been said). This has limited such comments and benefitted
me greatly. When Mozambican men hit on
me, it’s like being offered coffee.
Other people love it and swear by it, but I fail to be mesmerized by its
charms and often am repulsed by the mere smell of it.
6.
I might just be too old to be a good
Mozambican wife. Although no one has
told me that- that is the sense I get.
By Mozambican standards, I should have a 10 year old child by now.
Tina is two years older than me and has a
12 year old son. Teresa is 5 years older
and has a 17, maybe 18 year old son by now.
If I have a child at 32 I’m already old
enough to be that poor kid’s grandma. But in America 50+ is a more normative
grandparent age.
7.
Frankly, I know marrying a Westerner would ensure
that I would be honored and treated better than marrying a Mozambican. Even if I were to marry someone with the best
intentions, there are things he just wouldn't know; his expectations and understanding of
marriage would be so different from my own. I don’t think a Mozambican would honor me and
treat as well as a Southern boy could simply because it’s something he doesn't know and hasn't been taught.
For instance, many Mozambican men will not
help carry a heavy load, but let their wives walk with a baby on their back and
a heavy load on their head. At church
husbands and wives don’t sit together, men sit with men and women sit with
women. It’s extremely rare to see any
affection expressed between husband and wife.
I literally cannot think of a Mozambican example of this. Usually if I
see people holding hands its young men. They
aren’t gay, it’s just normal for African men to express friendship in this way. During the 9 months I’ve been here, I’ve seen
male/female hand- holding maybe 5 times; but I’ve seen countless men holding
hands. It’s just a difference in culture.
