Why I don't want to marry a Mozambican

 He assumed I had a husband and children in America.  He didn’t believe me when I told him I’m not married and don’t have any children.   It needed to be repeated about 4 times before it sank in.

 Then he became concerned.  It’s not good to be 26 and not have childrens.  You need to make childrens because this is not fine. He insisted.  30 is too old to have your first child. Who will take care of you when you are old, you know, 55? Here there are no retirement benefits and life expectancy is shorter.  People age faster and die younger due to poor health conditions including malaria, malnutrition, AIDS, poor sanitation, you name it. 

Suddenly he invited me to spend the weekend with him in the middle of nowhere (which I declined)…and then last week he sent me a text message confessing his love for me.   

This is a continuation of the last blog (Polygamy and Mozambican ideas of marriage)…from a different perspective.  It is also a common question, so I’ve decided to address it.

So yes, I can marry a Mozambican but the longer I am in Mozambique the more certain I become that I do not want to marry a Mozambican.  For the record, nor is there anyone else of a different nationality in the picture.

Here are some major cultural differences why I do not want to marry a Mozambican:

1.       Ask any American man about marriage and he would tell you it is a legal agreement (among other things).   If I were to elope in Vegas it would be a legally binding decision even if I decided later that I no longer wanted to be married.  There’s an understood legality and formality about marriage in the States that frankly isn't part of what most people call marriage in Vilanculos.  In fact, I know of only one Mozambican couple that has been formally, legally married, and they own the house where I’m staying.

When I’ve asked why people don’t get married legally the answer sounds like a prenuptial agreement: it makes life easier if the marriage falls apart so you don’t have to worry about money and expenses to separate…you just do it. When talking about this, there seems to be an overall lack of trust.  People also say formally marrying is an expensive and difficult process.

I think the bottom line is not legally marrying is not culturally important. Nor is it really necessary, either.  Girls don’t dream about weddings; probably because they don’t see weddings.   Their parents and grandparents and great-grandparents didn’t legally and formally marry so why should they? 

 To get married I think you live together and call yourselves married.  Pregnancy seems to motivate many to marry although I do know of a young married couple without children.   I have also wondered about more traditional African marriage arrangements like a bride price: you need to give me 3 pigs for my daughter’s hand in marriage but no one has mentioned anything like that. 

For me it’s an interesting topic because people here are living in a rapidly developing place. Developing as in, building new houses and buildings, getting more educated and having access to things like electricity, running water, paved roads, and other things which their forefathers never had but Westerners typically take for granted.  But along with the physical development comes more and more Western ideas about life and some are easily and quickly adopted and others aren’t.  Just because it’s a Western ideal doesn’t necessarily mean it is better than the African way.  That’s something I must constantly be aware of; it’s much harder to love people if you judge them by cultural differences.  Like I would hate to see the communal aspect of African society be replaced by individualistic Western ideals.   But with marriage I am in favor of a public and legal union, as it lines up with the Biblical ideas of marriage and it protects women and children.  And when considering a life-long commitment to someone having a similar cultural background is important.

When I visited Beira (a large city) I asked about marriage there and my Mozambican friend was shocked to hear how most people in Vilanculos are not legally married because in Beira marriages are usually legal and formal.  He has a brother who is saving money to legally marry the mother of his child.   When I was in the capital city of Maputo, I went to the beach and walked on a pier there.  I turned around and saw a married couple, wedding dress and all, with a photographer walking toward the end of the pier.  That day I saw 7 just married couples who came to take pictures on the pier.  So clearly in large cities people are formally married but its just not the case in Vilanculos.

 2.      “Bringing home the bacon”.  In Western society, even though women are encouraged to work, traditionally, the primary responsibility for providing for the needs of a family falls on the man.   There’s a strong push for men to work to provide for their family.  I think one of the best things about America is the work ethic- individuals are expected to work hard to advance—you don’t climb the corporate ladder by sleeping half the day.  Here if you work hard and do well in your job there isn't that same hope or promise of advancing or even keeping your job like in the States.  I know the current economy in the States isn't great, but it’s substantially better than here.  Sure there are some hard workers here, but it is definitely not rewarded or promoted like is in the States and the whole mentality about work is very different.  The States is also very goal-oriented.  Time is money.  Here time is relative and money is rare.

Several men don’t seem to be motivated to work and lack goals in their jobs.  Sure, some work hard as a means of serving/providing for their families but that’s not a cultural value, like it is in America.  I know of men blowing one month’s wages on booze…they’ll be completely drunk for about 4 days.  There’s not a sense of getting new clothes (without holes) for the kids or eating chicken instead of beans. It’s the single moms who are motivated to provide for their families and are the hardest workers I know.  I think it’s more about self advancement for the men.  I just don’t see any self-sacrificing on behalf of the men.  As a general rule I don’t see hard working men who are motivated to serve their families…and I that is a characteristic I would like.  Additionally, it’s quite rare to find people with good money management.   This might sound harsh and so I want to re-iterate that not everyone is this way…it might just be half of the population.  In fact I think people living in town are typically more motivated to work and may have better money management.  But the farther away from town you get, the bigger this problem is. This became particularly evident when talking with farmers who brought employment to areas that previously had no income.

 3.       For me the biggest reason why I wouldn't marry a Mozambican is because women are not considered to be as important as men; they are clearly inferior.  You can go to any household and see this.  The women are constantly serving the men.  Its not just a matter of serving men in the household, its something that affects every facet of life.  Even in how they sit, women will sit on the ground either on estera (mat) or on the sand and men sit in chairs or other objects (like a stump) that elevate them so aren't sitting on the ground with the women.  There’s a very clear hierarchy and men dominate.

Leading women’s bible studies I find it very interesting that it is the men who will interpret from Portuguese to Xitswa.  Women will refuse to interpret it if a man is present even if she is a better interpreter.  Women typically lack the confidence and courage, and even if they don’t, it is only appropriate for them to let the man interpret.

 4.     Education.

 Guess how many women I know that have finished high school.  One.  Yes, one.   When you have a baby at 16, you typically drop out of school, and you may or may not return to school the following year.  Or many don’t have the money to buy uniforms, books and school fees.  

But even finding men who have finished high school is less common than you’d think.  One of the biggest differences between the general public in America and here in Vilanculos is education level. Pastor Jaco’s daughter Maggie goes to Mozambican school.  There are about 50 students in her class but only 25 will usually show up for school.  One of the reasons there is a lack of education is that people don’t see the value in it.  On the other hand, almost everyone finishes high school or gets a GED in America.  Many go on to college and learn some more. 

I was recently talking with a Peace Corps volunteer who teaches in a nearby smaller town.  He was saying that he can’t be very hard on his students for copying each other’s homework because they’re doing what they know and what they’ve been taught.  Here people are not taught to think independently or critically, instead they regurgitate the information they’ve been given because that is what they know and is typically expected.  Reading comprehension is quite poor as well.  With Bible Studies, at this stage, there is no independent thinking or even questions in general…I’m spoon feeding people.

Coming from a society in which education is valued and expected, that is definitely a quality I want in a husband.  I simply could not marry someone I can’t have an intellectual conversation with.  I took a quiz that said I’m attracted to someone’s mind more than appearance or whatever else and I know that’s true.  To think and play with ideas and be challenged is something important to me.   And there aren’t very many Mozambicans with whom I’ve had these kinds of conversations. 

 5.      I’d rather marry an American because I think he’d like me for me rather than for novelty, beauty, or status.  I get so much male attention and it’s actually quite common for a Mozambican to flippantly tell me I’m beautiful/suggest I marry him/ confess his love for me.  I think its because they've never talked with a pair of blues eyes and I’m willing to talk to them and treat them like a decent human being…at which point they become too excited or something. 

   I recently decided not to answer the question if I’m married because once men find out that I am single it seems to expedite the aforementioned comments (assuming they haven’t already been said).  This has limited such comments and benefitted me greatly.  When Mozambican men hit on me, it’s like being offered coffee.  Other people love it and swear by it, but I fail to be mesmerized by its charms and often am repulsed by the mere smell of it.

 6.      I might just be too old to be a good Mozambican wife.  Although no one has told me that- that is the sense I get.  By Mozambican standards, I should have a 10 year old child by now. 

Tina is two years older than me and has a 12 year old son.  Teresa is 5 years older and has a 17, maybe 18 year old son by now.

If I have a child at 32 I’m already old enough to be that poor kid’s grandma. But in America 50+ is a more normative grandparent age.

 7.      Frankly, I know marrying a Westerner would ensure that I would be honored and treated better than marrying a Mozambican.  Even if I were to marry someone with the best intentions, there are things he just wouldn't know; his expectations and understanding of marriage would be so different from my own.  I don’t think a Mozambican would honor me and treat as well as a Southern boy could simply because it’s something he doesn't know and hasn't been taught.

For instance, many Mozambican men will not help carry a heavy load, but let their wives walk with a baby on their back and a heavy load on their head.  At church husbands and wives don’t sit together, men sit with men and women sit with women.  It’s extremely rare to see any affection expressed between husband and wife.  I literally cannot think of a Mozambican example of this. Usually if I see people holding hands its young men.  They aren’t gay, it’s just normal for African men to express friendship in this way.   During the 9 months I’ve been here, I’ve seen male/female hand- holding maybe 5 times; but I’ve seen countless men holding hands. It’s just a difference in culture.